Sup
I feel like something is missing! I can’t really pinpoint it though. It’s not a person or anything. Just something about me. I think I am FINALLY so fed up with being my own worst enemy. As stupid as that sounds. I’m so sick of being the only one dragging myself down. I am sick of believing that I’ll never be “that great.” The things I feel so strongly in my heart! I’m so sick of trying to convince myself I’m not smart enough or powerful enough or dedicated enough for greatness. What does this greatness even entail? No idea! But I think I have the ability to touch a lot of people’s lives. And I want to just preach and preach beauty. That beauty has always been so apparent to me.
I think I’ve changed a lot these past months-the most I’ve ever changed in my life. Good change, needed change. It’s kind of weird to be in this place-neither complacent nor so desperate for change. I think I forgot that there is still so much more to fix. I got mad at myself this week because I felt like I was “slipping back into old ways.” But who the fuck said I wasn’t allowed to? I’m not indestructible. And yeah, I’ve changed—but I still need to put as much effort in it as I did before. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
I’m excited for what this semester has in store for me. Last semester I was just really trying to get my foot in the door and really just prove myself. Now I feel like I have the tools I need-and its up to me to decide what I want for my life. It’s all right now, it’s crazy! such a critical period. I want the whole world, I really do. I want all the science, I want all the humanities. I want all the people, I want all the interactions, I want all the ups, and I want all the downs. I want to feel deeply and act accordingly. I never want to settle anymore. I’m down with settling. I want MORE. It’s time to get my more.
January 9, 2012. The day I decided to go for everything I’ve always wanted.
